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10 Ways to Stop Sabotaging your Relationships

Have you ever had your heart broken? Did you deal with emotional trauma in a past relationship? Felt abandoned as a child? If you answered yes to these questions, you would be wise to read on. Most people are not aware of the power of the #subconscious mind. We have all been programmed by our past experiences, memories, and emotions. If you are living, you are experiencing. The fact is, all of those experiences become records in our supercomputer's memory bank and will be automatically retrieved for protection anytime we experience an emotion that relates to that experience.

I will give you an example. In my book, "Behind the Screen," I share my personal stories of dealing with heartbreak and emotional trauma as a teenager. I was hurt and let down so many times that I had to train myself to stop caring. I built walls around my heart and learned to shut other people out to stop feeling the pain I felt. It was a defense mechanism.

Our subconscious mind is meant to protect us and keep us safe. It's linked to your Fight or Flight Nervous Response which kicks in automatically anytime your body senses danger. The key word is #automatic. An outside stimulus is introduced triggering an emotional response to either fight or flee from the current situation. Nerve cells that fire together wire together, meaning any emotional response repeated consistently will become wired in your brain's neurocircuitry for quick retrieval later on.

I was abandoned by my family as a teenager and shunned by many people in my community because of the person I loved at the time. That person broke my heart countless times. I learned a lot about pain, shame, and loneliness. A Broken Family still plays on my screen. I built walls around my heart when I was 22 years old. 15 years later, I had to get really curious as to why I was still single. I wondered why I couldn't find true love. Can you relate?

I would say, "All the good guys are married!" Did I lose out on the opportunity to find true love or were my walls too thick to actually let anyone in?

We are like supercomputers walking around on autopilot for the majority of our life. That is until you can become conscious of your inner reality. Your inner world shapes your outer world.

  • What stories do you play on the screen of your mind?

  • What were you conditioned to feel or believe about yourself?

  • What scenarios or beliefs shape the effects of your reality?

It may be time to get curious about your subconscious programming and defense mechanisms that were installed earlier in life to protect you. The power exists in this present moment. It's your opportunity to awaken to your true passion and purpose.

Your #consciousness is your #power.

Your ability to go inside your mind and body to identify your own thought patterns, ways of feeling, and reacting within certain situations is critical to shifting your results in any area of life.

Without further ado, take some time to consider 10 ways you can stop sabotaging your relationships and become open to the portal of love and the opportunity to be free.

10 Ways to Stop Sabotaging your Relationships

1. Identify your Unconscious Triggers & Behavior Patterns (The Subconscious Program):

An emotional trigger is anything — including memories, experiences, or events — that sparks an intense emotional reaction, regardless of your current mood.

These may include:


  • Your partner seems distant or unavailable

  • Your partner doesn't want to love on you

  • They ignore your phone calls/text

  • They hang out with their friends more than you

  • They leave you out of plans

  • Talk about their ex or other partners.

Emotional Reactions:

  • Flipping Out

  • Getting Angry

  • Yelling

  • Withdrawing

  • Shutting Down

  • Pouting

  • Nervous breakdown or crying

  • Projecting your feelings onto other people

  • Pretend like nothing is wrong when REALLY something IS wrong!

The first step is to TAG IT!

“Awareness is the birthplace of possibility. Everything you want to do, everything you want to be, starts here.” ~Deepak Chopra

The only person suffering from the trigger is YOU. Only YOU can change. You cannot change anyone else... repeat this out loud to yourself a few times before you read on.

2. Break Down the Walls

They don't have any love at all. Instead, they provide a barrier from allowing real love to flow in. Raise your awareness of why the walls were installed. Go back in time to properly process the pain and emotions; release that energy so it stops following you into your current relationships. You must do the inner work to release their bonds on your being. Let the walls crumble so light may enter.

3. Two-Way Communication

There are 2 people in a relationship so you must each have an equal opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings. One person proverbially has "the talking stick" -- while they are talking the other person must be quiet and LISTEN.

Don't just listen to speak. Listen to actually seek understanding .

4. Practice and Say, "I Felt Like... That Made Me Feel..."

Let's be honest, we get stuck in our own narrative of she/he did this or that - and it's usually (technically) your #perspective of the situation. Assumptions and Expectations are the Relationship SABOTAGERS - your partners worst enemy. Can they compete? Hmmm...

Instead of assuming, expecting - not receiving and pouting or "not talking," gather your composure, breathe a few good times and go talk to your partner. Say, "This situation or you - or whoever - MADE ME FEEL LIKE.... and share your real feelings. Don't try to justify and explain how or why or whatever, just tell them how you feel or how you felt at that time. This works wonders!! Promise.

5. Don't Shut Down and Run Away

This is my Go-To! I'm out. "Peace out, lose my phone number!" For real. I am a runner. I want to run at the first sign of a red flag. I've been down that road and I know the "signs." Then I argue with myself in my head if I should pay attention to the signs or not! Maybe, we should pay attention to what exactly made us FEEL and REACT that way - and why? Consciously notice this defense mechanism as your "subconscious program" and TAG IT. Now actually use your intellect to rule out what forces are at play before you just shut down and run away.

6. Breathe More

Inhale... hold for 5 seconds then exhale deeply. The next time you inhale, breathe the air deep into your chest filling every ounce of your lungs with the life-giving force of nature. Practice this at least once per day. The next time you find yourself triggered, #breathe. Gather your thoughts and composure before responding.

7. Empathy - Be Receptive to the Other Persons' Feelings

Emotional intelligence should be a curriculum in every school and mandatory. This would help society by 1,000%! Comment please and share this post if you agree!

I think we all know the Law of Cause & Effect by now, but just in case you don't, here it is:

Empathy is having compassion toward another person's feelings. Seek to understand their perspective. Have compassion for the way they are feeling. Get curious about why each of you feels a particular way when you _______________. Notice the Law above - if you want to change your results ---> you must look at your #thoughts.

Do you think Emotional Intelligence should be an educational requirement in life? At school and at work?

  • 0%YES - 1,000%

  • 0%No

  • 0%At school for sure.

There we 2 minds that we can think from. 1 of Source or the other of Ego.

8. Be Supportive

Choose to be a Source of light and inspiration for the other person. Stop getting so caught up in the Ego's rule that only you matter or the other person is this or that. Love. Just love. Be there for the other person - no matter what. Not when you want or expect something. Just be there for them for no reason.

9. It's Not Always All About You - A Relationship Involves 2 People

Respect - do you want it? So do I.

Trust - do you want it? So do I.

Compassion - do you want it? So do I.

Communication... Communication... Communication! The most important factor.

What are your core values? Do they align with your partner? Should they align? Consider this.

10. Stop Projecting your Issues onto the Other Person

It's so easy to take out your frustrations and project your stress onto your partner. We usually take it out on the one we love or are close to. If you had a bad day at work, don't project that negative energy onto the other person. Don't even bring it home. If your kids are driving you crazy, speak up and talk about it - don't take it out on the other. This one goes deep - just start noticing.


The truth is - no one is perfect. If you expect perfection, you will be disappointed. Sometimes we contribute to the results we are getting in life and need to get behind the screen and clean our own lens.

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

Need a clean screen? An effective and price-savvy soulution is awaiting:

Thank you beautiful human for taking the time to read my post. If you liked these golden nuggets then please like and share this post. I am trying to reach, teach, and transform over 1M lives globally to help raise human consciousness and mental health awareness! Isn't that important? It is the quality of your questions that determine the quality of your results!! Will you share this wisdom, please?


Listen to this Apple Podcast episode about How to Stop Self-Sabotaging You on the Firefly by Iris Janet Podcast:


Sending you love and light. Remember that YOU cannot change anyone else. The only person you can change is YOU.

I'm rooting for YOU!

Carrie L. Schmidt


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